Tracy Doyle: Learning to Care for Yourself Without Feeling Guilty

From Burnout to Clear Skies: Tracy Doyle on Changing Your Thinking

Tracy Doyle built a multimillion-dollar business and led it for more than 20 years. She also burned out so badly that it nearly cost her everything. Her book, Life Storms: Finding Your Clear Sky, shares what she learned on the way back.

On this episode ofConversations with Carroll, Carroll Patrizi welcomes Tracy, a resilience coach and former CEO. Together with her team, Tracy generated more than $100 million in business. Life Stormsrecently earned a Silver Award in three categories. Carroll's copy is full of highlighter and notes.

Tracy holds a degree in psychology and counseling, though she is clear that she is not a licensed counselor. Her path has come full circle: she wanted to start her career in psychology, and today she helps others as a coach.

Saying yes to a calling

Five years ago, Tracy's teenage niece was caring for her mother, Tracy's sister, who lives with a mental illness disability. Tracy uprooted her life and moved to South Carolina to help.

As her burnout symptoms began to return, she poured her heart into the book, believing that helping someone else would also help her heal.

Carroll honored the many listeners who make that same loving choice for family. So often, she said, we are nudged by the Holy Spirit to say yes, and helping others is the foundation we all share.

How Burnout Begins

In Life Storms, Tracy describes herself at her lowest: drowning in self-doubt, afraid she wasn't good enough, overwhelmed from doing it all alone, and angry because she never said no. She had become, in her words, a "human doing."

Where the pressure came from

Tracy grew up believing she had to sacrifice herself for her family, her job and the people she loved. Her mother lived with an illness that went undiagnosed for years, and her stepfather's addiction cost the family nearly everything. There were stretches without enough food, running water or health care. Tracy was the one who showed up.

As the first in her family to go to college, she left school determined to succeed. She landed a big job, a great salary and a company car. She also kept caring for her mother, took custody of her sister's two children, bought a house and tried to build a relationship of her own.

The stages of burnout

Tracy describes how burnout unfolds:

1. Stress. The pressure to succeed and do it right.

2. Overwhelm. The pressure to perform, on top of caring for everyone.

3. Conflict. Doing, doing, doing, and believing no one sees or understands you.

4. Sleepless nights. Imploding on the inside and exploding on the outside.

5. Self-doubt. No longer knowing what's real or right.

With help, she says, many people can stop the slide early. She kept pushing.

The Breaking Point, and the Courage to Get Help

On December 21, 1999, Tracy caught her reflection while getting ready for work and didn't recognize herself. Her eyes looked hollow and her spirit dim. That night, she attempted to take her own life.

She survived. The next day, guilt and shame were loud, yet her heart kept telling her she was still here. That became her first real lesson: caring for everyone else had to include caring for herself. For Tracy, that meant getting help.

She began medical treatment, including antidepressants for about 18 months, and went to therapy to work through trauma. She had kept her pain to herself for months because she believed vulnerability meant weakness. Carroll and Tracy agree it takes courage.

Carroll spoke directly to listeners: getting help is the first and most courageous step. If a mental health professional recommends medication, trust them. Be curious about yourself, and gentle.

If you are struggling or having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. In the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night.

Change your thinking, change your life

About three years into her recovery, Tracy readFeel the Fear and Do It Anywayby Susan Jeffers, which convinced her to open up. She confided in a friend who was in a 12-step program. Her friend told her the problem was her thinking: life experiences shape our thinking, and recognizing how they shaped yours lets you change.

Even with her psychology training, that idea was new to Tracy. Her friend helped her uncover the belief driving her: "I don't belong, and if I sacrifice myself, maybe I will."

Carroll thanked everyone in 12-step programs who helps others spot what they call stinking thinking.

Why Awareness Alone Isn't Enough

Even after Tracy understood her belief, she kept repeating the pattern. How do you say no to your mother or your job when you've never said no before? Her friend helped her see the fear underneath.

Tracy's book opens with a line from William James: "The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude." Research on burnout points to the same answer, a change of mindset.Life Stormsdraws on that collective wisdom, from William James, Carl Jung, Abraham Maslow and M. Scott Peck to Tracy's own life.

Stunted needs

Maslow described basic human needs for safety, security, belonging and self-actualization. When a life experience wounds one of those needs and we keep internalizing it the same way, Tracy explains, that need stays stunted.

For Tracy, it was belonging. Born out of wedlock, she felt rejected by her stepfather's mother, and that wound stayed with her for decades. A stunted need narrows how we see life to a view through a straw. We live in lack, focused on what we don't have, or in discontent, where nothing anyone does is ever enough.

The reaction cascade

Tracy describes what happens next:

1. A trigger happens outside us. The reaction comes from within.

2. A limiting belief ignites, such as "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worthy."

3. Fear follows. Drawing on Tony Robbins, Tracy names three kinds: fear of losing what you have, fear of being or getting less, and fear of never getting what you want.

4. Self-centered traits take over, such as self-pity or self-reliance.

She calls the place this leaves us the city of limitation. Inside it, we can't truly give or receive. Spiritually, Tracy says, it blocks our alignment with God. She points to Eric Butterworth's Discover the Power Within You, which reads the Sermon on the Mount as Jesus teaching that our thinking can keep us from God.

How Self-Centered Traits Strain Relationships

Nobody wants to hear the words elfish. Tracy's wall went up the first time her friend raised it. She reframes it: selfish simply means absorbed in self. The real question is what you're absorbed with. She calls the second half of the word "the ish": self-pity, self-reliance and more.

These traits become the storm within us. Drawing on Don Miguel Ruiz'sThe Four Agreements, Tracy describes them as a fog that keeps us from seeing how we affect others.

Tracy believes we are all wounded in some way, from significant trauma to strict parents we could never please. If it wounded you, it matters. As we shift the fear and traits inside us, the dynamics of our relationships shift too.

Carroll shared that realizing she had been selfish was both disappointing and important. Changing takes commitment and accountability. She added that caring for ourselves is a gift to others, and helping others is a gift to ourselves. Saying yes to everything just to feel validated leaves us depleted.

The Aurora Method: See It, Name It, Change It

Tracy named her framework after Aurora, the Latin word for dawn, the move from darkness to light. Its purpose is lasting change: helping you see the pattern, name it, and change it.

1. Self-assessment. A kind and loving look back at how your life experiences shaped you, including naming your "ish" traits. Tracy calls it the most painful part. One participant, an attorney, was stunned by how much her past still affected her.

2. The turnaround. Gaining emotional clarity and recognizing your patterns. One woman realized she had resented her sister for years for never supporting her. Then she remembered that they lost their mother young, and her sister had been grieving too.

3. Manifesting change. The inner work of redirecting old beliefs and traits.

4. Mending. Building bridges back to the people in your life, including an "acknowledgment conversation" about how your traits affected them.

After that, you practice. Tracy helps each person build their own affirmations and personal approaches to resetting their thinking, unique to them.

Ways to work with Tracy

• The Aurora Method Academy. A small, workshop-style group for women, designed for busy lives with no homework. Women who felt isolated and unheard found connection in sharing.

• One-on-one coaching. For those who prefer to work individually, with ongoing support for practice and accountability.

Her advice for anyone struggling in relationships: don't wait for the breaking point. Give yourself permission to act now.

You Are Brave

Tracy's parting words: you are brave. All you need is to give yourself permission to go for it. When you do, life changes, and she is living proof.

Key takeaways

• Burnout moves from stress to overwhelm, conflict and self-doubt.

• Getting help is the first and most courageous step.

• Hidden beliefs from past wounds drive our reactions.

• Fear fuels self-centered traits that quietly strain relationships.

• Lasting change comes from seeing, naming and changing your patterns.

• Caring for yourself is a gift to the people you love.

Frequently asked questions

What are the signs of burnout? Tracy describes a progression from stress and overwhelm to conflict, sleepless nights and self-doubt. Feeling unseen or misunderstood while doing everything is a common warning sign.

How do you recover from burnout? Tracy started by getting professional help through therapy and medical care. From there, she learned to uncover the beliefs and fears driving her and to change her thinking.

What is the Aurora Method? Tracy Doyle's four-part framework fromLife Storms: self-assessment, the turnaround, manifesting change, and mending relationships.

Is resilience coaching a substitute for therapy? Tracy recommends therapy first. She describes her coaching as a supplement for people who have done therapy or are in it now.

Support resources

If you are in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please reach out now. In the U.S., call or text 988for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Outside the U.S., contact your local emergency number or crisis line.